In Between

Neither here nor there.
The gray area.
Somewhere in between.
A neutral neutron.

I wish I could stop using scientific terms when I blog/speak/write/think, but it's so embedded in my vocabulary from too much exposure to textbooks that it's virtually impossible to speak now without using terms such as "agglutinate", "centripetal force", and "Van der Waals' forces of attraction" It's interesting that all of these words mean objects being drawn into each other, whether it's a molecule or a gigamongous (making up a new word here) collection of molecules.

It's even more interesting that I'm observing a lot of induced dipole-dipole interactions going on around me, while I continue playing the role of the neutron in the sea of protons and electrons. (Disclaimer: I am in no way related to Jimmy Neutron though.)

Basically, in English, that means I'm somewhere in between.
In clear, concise, and coherent English, that basically means nothing.

Obliterated to Protons, Neutrons, and Electrons

I remember my question to my 2nd year high school Biology teacher: "Are cells made up of atoms?"

I never received any answer then (because the teacher never thought of it maybe?), and I was left a very confused child, not knowing whether cells are smaller or atoms.

Now, 4 years later, I remember this question and laugh at how simple the answer is. (Or is it really simple?)

Well, I may know the answer to this, but I just want to obliterate my phone to protons, neutrons, and electrons, because it's the worst human invention ever. (Not really.) But seriously, missed calls and confusing text messages? Maybe I'm analyzing too much again.

Ugh. Go away. You just destroyed the happiness I had yesterday.

Evidence on Human Stupidity

Here I document another of humanity's stupidity. Another one to the Mt. Everest of stupidities: (From the organic chemistry text that I am attempting to read)

"Alcohols are toxic: The first member of the series, methanol, is much more toxic than ethanol. It is added to industrial alcohol to make it undrinkable. It is then called methylated spirit. UNFORTUNATELY A FEW PEOPLE DRINK IT NEVERTHELESS, THE EVENTUAL RESULT BEING BLINDNESS OR DEATH."
-Chemistry in Context by Graham Hill and John Holman

Wow. I wonder what part of 'alcohols are toxic' they didn't understand. o_O

The Grass Is Always Greener on the Other Side of the Field

This is the day that we got steamrollered, pressed, chewed, spit out, swallowed, digested, spit out again, ruminated by bovines, and swallowed back into a deep eternal abyss of darkness. After this, we passed through the digestive tract, hydrolyzed by digestive enzymes until we are but minute molecules, and finally, churned out as crap on the cold concrete.

What an understatement.

Well, despite being the grand zeroes in our first ever touch rugby tournament, I actually enjoyed myself in the brief moments that I was not warming the grass by the sides. Well, understandably that would accumulate to only about ten minutes or even less, but understandably I am too lousy of a player to be out in the field playing against the bigger giants.

So, yes, our team was the last place in the tournament, and yes, I am the worst player in our team. So yes, I realize how bad that sounds, but I don't care. (Ok, maybe I do...a little bit) But upon introspection, I realize that the mere fact that I was able to endure all the (light) training we did, that I can run for more than 10 minutes without getting an asthma attack, that I can actually run and play and catch the ball (sometimes) and basically just be moving around and breathing---I am blessed. Not everyone in the world can do these things. (aka, the handicapped... or the dead, for that matter) I am no longer the helpless little asthmatic who couldn't even play for five minutes in the playground without wheezing and coughing and turning blue.

In a random conclusion, the grass is always greener on the other side of the field, because the scorching sun is glaring there, and I'm hiding under the shade of God. =)

No Time For Complaints

The instinctive desire for complaining bubbles from my core. I should not complain. I am busy, but I should not complain. In fact, I should stop typing this and just get back to my 'work' if I'm really THAT busy, but no.

I just feel disappointed in myself, that even after God pulled me through so many times in my life before, I still have this inner reluctance to completely trust Him; an inner reluctance to give my life for Him, and the reluctance to stop thinking about my own success and best interests. I want to change this selfish thinking, but it just keeps coming back.

When will I learn that all of these means nothing? "A chasing after the wind" as Solomon aptly describes in Ecclesiastes.

The wind getting harder to chase, and I can't even see what I'm chasing anymore. (or why, for that matter.)

Fulfillment

It is truly amazing how I knew this in my head the whole while, but it is only when I experienced it for myself do I truly realize the following:

1. God never goes against His promises.
2. You should never doubt whether God is able to fulfill His promises, because He always does, no matter how impossible you mortal human think it is.
3. You never deserved any of these blessings, but God is just generous and gracious enough to endow it to you anyway.
4. Always trust God. Always.

And the confusion about another unrelated issue continues.

Word Vomit--Literally

Senseless.
Endless.
Words.

Library. Personality. Results. Thoughts. Obsession. Similar. Chemistry. Other. Enneagram. Tuesday. Research. Cold. Significant. Whatever. Doom. Surprise. Pessimism. Mistakes. Success. Work. Victory. Femininity. Soymilk. Crisis. Caring. Inadequacy. Relationships. Perfection. Dominance. Dilution. Genius. Reactions. Failure. Paranoia. Emotions. Blame. Hundred. Sweat. Orientation. Emails. Efficiency. Disorder. Celebration. Frustration. Disappointments. Idealism. Books. Jackfruit. More jackfruit.

Round and round they run across my head.
All of these words erased by the greatest One:
GOD

Kicking and Screaming

Ice-cold hands. Digging through the icebox.
Soccer. Dodgeball. Captain's Ball.
$1 coins. Empty, crushed cans.
Watching blankly.
Wondering.
Hmm...

Conspiracies.
Misled.
Talk.
Huh?

I stand by Your promise. I'm not losing hope nor faith in You, despite the seemingly impossibility of its fulfillment.

Happily Ever After

By now, I should remember
that not all stories end in
happily ever after-
mine included.
The end.

Of Squashed Muscles, Bicycle Blue-Blacks, and More Incorrigible Singing Attempts

As I once again suffer from more incorrigible singing--this time not by my roommate, but rather by a friend of hers who is preparing for some performance, my eardrums are being ripped off as I try to drown it all out with a maxed up volume from my earphones. I suspect I will be deaf as well as blind very soon enough. With the addition of my current state of sore throaty-ness, I am Helen Keller in the making.

Right now I can barely move without flinching. I can't believe how unfit I am that only one day of playing squash can make my arm and back muscles feel so squashed (even now, two days after playing squash). Ok, so this was followed by attempts of riding the bicycle the next day, which significantly magnified the pain with the brand new addition of sores and blue-blacks all over my legs, not to mention the red streaks of cuts that I got from falling down near the canal area in my painful attempt to evade that "incoming car." Haha. But I can ride the bicycle now (albeit being pathetically noob at it)--finally, after 18 years and 4 months in this world!

Ugh. Physical activity and me. What a love-hate relationship we have.

Tomorrow will be exactly my 3rd year in Singapore. Our first batch reunion this year. Everyone's just been too busy to meet up anymore. =( (Guilty)